And Again...

I feel like my memory gets worse and worse by the minute. Reminding myself to write on here as much as possible is not something I am good at remembering once so ever. Although it should not be so hard for me because after ever time I write, I always end up feeling so much better. Writing is almost like a type of meditation for me. It lifts my spirit and helps me center myself. Helps me lift a lot of UN-needed stress off of my shoulders. Being an addict, I have come to know a lot about meditation and coping skills. You know the things that are supposed to help us live an easier, less stressful, happier, and free life. Like going for a run when your mad, start a new creative project so you aren't bored, or listening to music to escape. Although when many of us get into those situations we tend to forget all of the coping skills we learned to help us overcome our struggles or stresses. At least I know I am not always the best at remembering to use my coping skills first, but I am getting better. I was once told "first thought wrong". Reacting to other people when I am angry...my first thought may not always be the best idea. That's when these coping skills of mine need to come in. I can always tell someone that I need to step away for a moment to let myself cool down or to think. Thinking for me is easy but remembering what I am always thinking is the hard part. That's where writing everything down makes my life so much easier in so many ways! Coping skills are apart of everyone's life weather they know it or not. Just a simple phone call from one addict to another is a huge coping skill. When addicts struggle in life, especially in early sobriety, its easy for the first though to be..." F*** it, I'm going to go get high"....but that is when your first thought is wrong. Getting high is not going to fix everything. It is only a temporary solution to a situation or problem that could be permanent. Weather it is a permanent situation or not, getting high is not going to solve any of your problems. In most cases, it will only make it worse. This is where using one of your coping skills or finding a new hobby really comes in handy. It could save an addicts life. It could save my life. Write me a comment anyone anytime. My mind is so filled with ideas, thoughts, and advice. I would rather give then take. In order to get things back in life you have to give. And i will give as much as i can back to the world for the rest of my life.

Getting Lonely.

Where I live in the winter it is very easy to become lonely, depressed, or sad, but not so much in the spring or summer. It has become a beautiful spring here. I love the sun's warmth, the birds chirping, the grass turning so green, and  the flowers blooming. Its a great time of the year, as is summer. ( Summer is my favorite season!) However, these past few days I feel like I have almost been sitting on the pity pot here and there. Not so much feeling bad for myself but more getting down on myself. I see so many other people on vacation and others smiling enjoying life. I want to enjoy my life I do but I want someone to enjoy it with. You know my addiction has ruined so much. My relationships with family, friends, boyfriends etc. I want those relationships to repair themselves so quickly but it doesn't work that way. I haven't talked to some of my family members in maybe two years or longer. That's not how I was raised. I was raised being around my family all the time. Now I just feel alone all the time because nobody else is there for me but me. Well maybe Gus (what I call my higher power). Although I am still trying the grasping ahold of that whole idea. I just want to feel loved and wanted. I want to have someone that keeps me company, wants me there, and wants to make memories together. Something! But for now....I feel alone...very alone! Oh, addiction I hate you.

Feeling Left Out

I am starting to get that feeling that I got as a child again.. I am 23 years old and still feel like I'm being left out of so much in the world. Like with the people I work with, or the few friends I feel like I have. I just wake up, shower, go to work, go home, relax, eat dinner, and go to bed. Then come my days off where I just run errands or sit around. I don't feel like I ever hang out with people anymore or have anyone I can sit down and talk with as a friend. Its starting to extremely depress me. I don't like this feeling at all and maybe its just my addiction trying to make me feel all these things that I don't want to, so that I will go get high to just forget it all! Which does make a lot of sense but that's not my goal. Not feeling my feelings is one of the many reasons why I did use. I could come up with any excuse in the world just so that I could make sure I got high. I wanted to wash away everything that was in my head. Any thought I had on my mind or any obligations I did not want to think about that were weighting heavy on my mind. I just had to get that bag, stick a needle in my arm and wala! All my feelings were washed away! But this was on temporary and not a long temporary either. A very short period of time. Maybe 8-9 hours tops if I was lucky. I was so sick that I couldn't go longer then that amount of time without doing something. Nobody wants to live that way... Seriously!? There is no way I would want to wake up sick tomorrow morning. Having the chills & sweats, body aching like your being crushed, or uncontrollable bowels. No thank you! However I ended up doing it for such a long time every time I decided to go on a run.... Right now I just think I need some real friends to be around or maybe some new friends. That is always nice. I want to hang out or go out with people. I never do that anymore... It time for some changes!

So I've Decided..

That my mind is just never going to stop running. I am always thinking about so many different things at once. Sometimes that can be a good thing but other times not so good because it will bring me down. At this point in my life I feel like there is so much im supposed to be achieving but im not. For example, graduating college or buying a car...etc. I am 23 (almost 24) years old and I do not feel that I have that much to show for my life. I can thank my addiction for a majority of my time being spent scheming and lying to make sure I got high, instead of trying to make something of myself. The more I think negatively like that the worse off I am going to be though. I try so hard to keep everything positive and if I think negatively I try to turn it into a positive. Take the action towards making it something to be accomplished or a goal that your working for. Then my mind runs some more and I think well hey! I am only 23 years old and its never to late to go back to school or start thinking about making a successful life for myself. I still have so much time to do all the things in life that I imagined I would be doing. I still have time to accomplish my dreams and my goals. The only way they will never get met is if I go on into the rest of my life getting high. Which in reality im sure would not last very long...considering the chances of me dying before I got to the age of 30 shooting dope is pretty large. I dont want that to be my life though. I do not want to live a life where i wake up every morning and have to stick a needle in my arm just so im not dope sick. That was never a dream of mine as a child. NEVER! But today i get a choice. I get the choice to decide if im going to get high and continue down my path to death...or decide that i want to live the life i always wanted and be happy, healthy, have a family, be succesful, and loved. I couldn't be happier that i get a choice today because when i was using i never felt like i had the choice. I had to do it so that i wasnt sick. I had to fill that voice in my mind telling me that i needed it to survive. When i really don't. :] Don't forget that life is about decisions. Life is about having fun and enjoying the moment, every moment. Life is to short to wallow in sadness and be nagative about every single little thing. Enjoy your life and live it to the fullest that you can. I promise that you wont regret it. Goodnight.

As Time Flies...

Its been over two years since I last blogged. So much has happened but it felt like such little time. My story has been filled with so much more pain, hurt, sadness, joy, mistakes, happiness, and loneliness. Oh, how that list goes on. The feelings I felt...The things I saw... Are so crazy they sound unrealistic. While everyday has passed by these last two years, I have come to know more and more how real this struggle really is called addiction. I would not be the person I am today without this disease wanting to take over my life. As much as those days come by where I wish so badly it wasn't me who got graced with addiction, it has taught me so much about myself and how to live my life. They say God gives his hardest struggles to his toughest soldiers and I believe that. Although I do have a hard time believing in a higher power, or something at all sometimes. There are those times when you pray so hard for something or someone but nothing good seems to happen or you don't get answers to something your questioning so badly. Sometimes that's just how the cookie crumbles though...

For the past few years my writing has been all over the place. For all of your sake I will do my best to try and keep the subject at one, or stay on track. I really don't mean to jump around so much, my mind just never stops running with ideas and thoughts. Which I guess isn't always a bad thing but sometimes I really just need to shut it off. Writing down my experience, strength, and/or hope defiantly helps too. I really hope that it helps you just as much as its helping me. Seeing that 250 people have read my blog makes me ecstatic! I get that excited even when one person reads it! Regardless of how many people read my blog or just pass by it, I just hope that I can help one person. That's an accomplishment in my book. I know in the past I haven't kept up with my writing and I've gotten side tracked very easily, but not this time. I am really going to try hard to share my experiences with you at least once a day. I will do my best to keep up with sharing all the battles I have been through and the happy times that I have had. Its a rollercoaster of everything you could imagine, in a few years span of time. I can't wait to share so much more with all of you! And with that I will end....

Again, My name is Colby and I AM an addict.

Moments of clarity...

Sometimes I get into these weird moods that I start cleaning. I actually do it quite often probably hoping that my mind will calm down for a little bit. But then I start thinking back about all the time I slammed dope or snorted coke. And I remember how I felt after that high went away. It was terrible. Horrifying what I would feel like and the things I thought. I didn't want to live multiple times through my disease. Now that I'm sober I have those moments of course when I crave but lately I've been able to think about how it was to be so addicted to something that controlled my life. It hurt. Sure it was hard to give up but it's defiantly the best decision I have ever made. I have such good friends now. My parents are proud of me...something I've never heard..and I'm actually living a life today. I can't let anyone take that from me and I won't. Peace.

Hi Im Colby and Im an addict...

I don't really know where to start because I have so much to tell the world. I've been threw so much in my life and I'm only twenty-one. I know what it feels like to be at the bottom. I know how it is to be abused to a pulp and I certainly know how to abuse myself. When I say I'm an addict, I mean it. I know I have the disease of addiction and I have accepted that. Others in my life have not but for the time being I need to only focus on getting myself better before anyone else. Like a friend of mine says.."we aren't bad people trying to be good, we are sick people trying to get better". I was given the gift of addiction and that's okay with me. Things can only get better from here. If I stay sober that Is... I know I don't want to run back to drugs ever again. So I will do my best from now on to be happy with myself and ask for help when I need it. I'll let it at that for now...peace!